THE GOALS OF TEEN POSITIVE BEHAVIOR*

Teen's Belief

Goal

Behavior

How to Encourage Positive Goals

I belong and get acceptance by contributing to the group

Attention
Involvement
Acceptance

Helps
Volunteers
Cooperates

Share individual and family goals in family meetings.
Recognize and let teen know you appreciate assistance and cooperation

I am able to make my own decisions and be responsible for my behavior

Power
Autonomy
Independence

Makes own decisions
Works without being prodded
Is resourceful.

Encourage decision making
Express confidence

I want to be cooperative and equal

Respect
Equal treatment of self and others

Seeks own rights responsibly
Treats others with respect

Treat teen with respect
Respect others so teen has model of respectfulness

I can decide to withdraw from conflict and settle things respectfully

Withdrawal from conflict
Positive resolution of conflict
Refusal to initiate unproductive conflict
Acceptance of others' opinions

Ignores provocation
Withdraws from power contest

Avoid power clashes
Recognize and encourage teen's maturity in resolving conflict

THE GOALS OF TEEN POSITIVE BEHAVIOR*

Teen's Belief

Goal

Behavior

How to Encourage Positive Goals

I belong and get acceptance by contributing to the group

Attention
Involvement
Acceptance

Helps
Volunteers
Cooperates

Share individual and family goals in family meetings.
Recognize and let teen know you appreciate assistance and cooperation

I am able to make my own decisions and be responsible for my behavior

Power
Autonomy
Independence

Makes own decisions
Works without being prodded
Is resourceful.

Encourage decision making
Express confidence

I want to be cooperative and equal

Respect
Equal treatment of self and others

Seeks own rights responsibly
Treats others with respect

Treat teen with respect
Respect others so teen has model of respectfulness

I can decide to withdraw from conflict and settle things respectfully

Withdrawal from conflict
Positive resolution of conflict
Refusal to initiate unproductive conflict
Acceptance of others' opinions

Ignores provocation
Withdraws from power contest

Avoid power clashes
Recognize and encourage teen's maturity in resolving conflict

PUNISHMENT

CHARACTERISTICS

UNDERLYING MESSAGE

LIKELY RESULTS

1. Emphasizes power of personal authority; makes a demand

Do what I say because I say so! I'm the boss

Rebellion.
Revenge.
Lack of self-discipline.
Sneakiness.
Irresponsibility

2. Arbitrary; barely related to act.

I'll show you! You deserve what you're getting!

Resentment.
Revenge.
Fear.
Confusion.
Rebellion.

3. Implies moral judgment; equates the deed with doer

This should teach you! You're no good!

Feelings of hurt, resentment, guilt. Desire for revenge.

4. Is concerned with past behavior.

This is for what you did-I'm not forgetting! You'll never learn!

Feels unable to make good decisions. Feels unacceptable in eyes of parent.

5. Threatens disrespect; is a put-down.

You'd better shape up! No son of mine acts like that!

Desire to get even.
Fear.
Rebellion.
Guilt feelings.

6. Demands obedience

Your preferences don't matter! You can't be trusted to make wise decisions!

Defiant compliance
Desire to get even another time.
Destruction of trust and respect.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

1. Express reality of social order; recognize mutual respect and trust.

I trust you to learn to respect yourself and the rights of others

Self-discipline.
Cooperation.
Respect for self and others.
Reliability.

2. Are directly related to misbehavior; make sense

I trust you to make responsible choices.

Learns from experience.

3. Imply no moral judgment; separate deed from doer.

You are a worthwhile person!

Learns behavior may be objectionable, but not self.

4. Are concerned with present and future behavior

You can make your own choices and take care of yourself

Becomes self-directed and self-evaluating

5. Are invoked in friendly manner after parent and teen have calmed down; imply good will

I don't like your behavior, but I still love you!

Feels secure about parent's respect, love, and support

6. Permit choice

You are capable of deciding.

Makes responsible decisions. Shows increased resourcefulness

1. Connect before you correct. Part of every Dad's role is to bring a healthy sense of structure and discipline to the family. Communicating with your child, which includes listening to their 'side' of the issue, is a key first step in successful, loving discipline.

6. Be consistent. When you are consistent in your actions, love, and discipline, an environment of safety and security is created. Kids need to know that there are some things they can count on. Discipline your child while there is hope. If you don't, you will ruin their lives.

2. Be there. One of the great myths is that a little" quality" time makes up for a substantial "quantity" of time. Going to school, sporting and other events is a big deal! It says, "I have you best interest at the center of my heart" to your child.

7. Be careful, you're in the spotlight Your kids are watching every move you make. You have the opportunity to create a positive loving image or a confusing and untrustworthy one.

3. Express love often. Kids (especially pre-teens and teens) act like they don't want their parents to "make a fuss" over them. It's just an act. Kids need hugs and kisses…affirm them at every opportunity.

8. Guard your tongue. The words you speak to your children can cut like a knife or send them soaring like a rocket. They will remember some things you say in passing for the rest of their lies.

4. Phony, macho men are only heroes in the movies. Real Dads aren't perfect. You can be a hero to your children if you open your heart to them and admit when you've made mistakes. They have an enormous capacity to forgive and their hearts' desire is to love and be loved.

9. Develop Godly character. Nothing will influence your children more than watching you grow in your relationship with God. Your actions must be reflective of your faith.

5. Never make your child choose between parents. If you have problems with your wife, don't try to convince your child that you're in the 'right' or the 'victim'. This causes an emotional split in your child and will ultimately drive him or her further away from you. Confine the adult issues to the adults.

10. Love your wife. The greatest Dad in the world will minimize the true impact he has on his children if he does no model Godly intimacy in front of his children. That's where the cornerstone of their future marriage is laid. You must clothe yourself in tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and love. You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.